A SONG THAT MEANS A LOT TO PHOEBE

I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen
La la la la la la la la la la la...

BABIES
They're tiny an chubby and so sweet to touch
But soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
You cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry and you cry

BARNYARD ANIMALS

Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grids him up
And that's how we get hamburgers
Nowwwwwwwww chickens!

BI-SEXUALS
Sometimes me love women
And sometimes men love men
And then they are bi-sexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La la la la la la la la la la.....

BLACKOUT

New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is no scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La la la la la la...

CRAZY UNDERWEAR

Crazy underwear creeping up my butt
Crazy underwear always in a rut
Crazy underwear...

CRUSTY OLD MAN

...And the crusty old man said 'I'll do what I can'
And the rest rats played maracas.

DON'T

There'll be times when you get older
When you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But DON'T, cause
That's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

DOUBLE-JOINTED BOY
He was a double, double, double-jointed boy

GRANDPARENTS

Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She brought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her, she looked so much thiner
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru
But the truth is she died, and someday you will too
La la la la la la la la la la...

HOLIDAY SONG
Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap
Said all you need is to write them a song
Now you haven't heard it yet so don't try to sing along
No don't sing along
Monica, Monica, have a Happy Hanukkah
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowwwwwwy
And Rachel and Chandler..... hander!

IN THE SHOWER
I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And tegrin spelled backward is nirgit.
Lather, rinse, repeat
Lather, rinse, repeat
Lather, rinse, repeat
As needed.

JINGLE BITCH
Jingle bItch screwed me over
Go to hell jingle whore
Go to hell, go to hell, go to h-h-hell

LITTLE FETUS

Are you in there little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas

LITTLE TONY TARZAN
Little Tony Tarzan
Swinging on an nose hair
Swinging with the greatest of ease...

LOVE

Love is sweet as summer showers,
Love is a wondrous work of art,
But your love oh your love, your love...
Is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart.
La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy she says) Thank you.
La-la-la-la...ohhh!

MY COMA GUY

You don't have to be awake to be my man
As long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand.
Though we just met the other day
There's something I have go to say...

MOTHER'S ASHES

My mother's ashes,
Even her eyelashes,
Are resting in a little, yellow jar.
And sometimes when it's breezy,
Or if I'm feeling sneezy,
And now I...
(noizy boys interruption)

ODE TO CHILDREN
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch.
Soon they'll grow up to resent you so much.
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why.
You cry and you cry and you cry.

PARADING GOATS

Parading down the street.
Parading goats are parading,
Leaving little treats.

PAPER MACHÉ MAN
(three snaps)
I, I'm still waiting for my paper maché man

SMELLY CAT

Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smeely cat, smeely cat
It's not your fault
They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favourite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses

STEPHANIE

Stephanie knows all the chords!

STICKY SHOES
My favoutire shoes
So good to me
Wear them everyday
Down at the heel,
Holes in the toe
Don't care what people say
My feet's best friend,
Pals to the end
With them I'm one hot chicky
Though late one night
Not much light
I stepped in something icky
Sticky shoes,
Sticky shoes
Always makes me smile
Sticky shoes,
Sticky shoes
Next time I'll avoid the pile

TERRY'S A JERK

Terry's a jerk!
And he won't let me work!
And I hate Central Perk!
(...)
And you're all invited to bite me!

THE 66 COLORS OF MY BEDROOM
...fuschia and mauve
Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom

THEY FOUNDED THEIR BODIES

And they found their bodies the very next day
They found their bodies the very next day...

TWO OF THEM KISSED LAST NIGHT

There was a girl we'll call Betty
And a guy let's call him Neil
Now, I can't stress this point too strongly
This story isn't real...
Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly
Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Lulie?
He must decide, he must decide
Even though I made him up, he must decide.

WHEN I PLAY
When I play I play for me
I don't need your charity!